I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
