oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
