dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
