Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
