nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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