I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
