Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
