i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Enjoy the penises
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
