I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
