did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
