I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
