Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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