Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
