why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
