Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
