Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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