I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
