woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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