The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
