apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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