if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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