im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It's just like the Real World with babies
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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