Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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