i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
