Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
