I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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