ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
