smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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