new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
