Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
