alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
