I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You can't special order awesome
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
