He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
