and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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