no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
just found out that she named her cat after me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
