i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
