so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
