Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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