Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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