Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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