i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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