i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
