I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
