I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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