i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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