did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
