this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
