did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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