I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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