I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
