did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
