The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
