dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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