Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
