Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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