Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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