If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize