If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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