i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
