i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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