Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
