Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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