is your mom at the bar?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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