I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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