I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
